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Wednesday, February 09, 2005

National Elisa Thinks You Should Embrace the Thong and For God’s Sake, Pull Up Your Pants Day

Okay, this may not relate to you. Maybe you own a mirror, and maybe you use it on a daily basis. Maybe, before you leave your house in the morning before school or work, or in the evening before you go out, you take one last look at your ass before you walk out the door to make sure that:

1) You can not see your panties, or any panty lines through your pants,
2) You can not see the top of your panties when you bend down, and
3) You most certainly can not see the top of your panties when you’re standing up

If you answer “Yes, I make certain of those things”, then you may as well just skip ahead to the next blog, because you’ve already got this shit figured out. But if you’re thinking to yourself, “What are panty lines?” then keep on reading, darlin’, because this is for you.

First of all, there’s no reason for you to own any non-thong panties. Don’t argue with me. You’ll get used to the feeling of the thong, and let me just tell you that whatever you think it’ll be like, it’s not nearly as uncomfortable as the feeling of having all that granny panty fabric all bunched up. Let me repeat: there is no reason for you to own any panties that are not thongs - Not for “that time of month”, not for working out, not for riding your bike, never. They are cute, they are comfortable, and if you don’t own any, then you should.

If you insist that thongs will be uncomfortable and that you don’t want that piece of string up your butt, okay fine. You’re wrong, but whatever. At least observe a few simple, rules, ahem, suggestions:

1) If you plan on wearing white pants, check the thickness of the pants before you put on your red panties. If you have to ask why, then this rule is doubly important.
2) If you are going to wear thin pants, it is important that your panties also be relatively thin, otherwise you will be a victim (or perpetrator) of PTL. Panty Lines. Panty lines aren’t pretty – panty lines suggest a lack of attention to detail. And you know what else? Just because you can’t see it (because you can’t see your ass unless it’s on purpose) doesn’t mean that it’s not there. And it sure as hell doesn’t mean that I want to see it.

Second, before you leave your house in the morning, just bend down or bend over and feel above the back of your pants. Feel anything sticking up out of your pants? This applies to both #2 and #3 at the beginning of this post because it’s either your panties or your ass crack, and I don’t want to see either. If it’s your panties, go put on your low-rise panties (or better yet, your low-rise thong). If it’s your ass crack you feel, go put on different pants. I don’t care how young you are, or how young you feel, ass crack is not the new cleavage. It isn’t cute, it isn’t sexy, it does nothing except hide the place that makes poop, and I can assure you, there is NOTHING sexy about that thought. So change your pants. And then burn them.

Having trouble remembering all these rules, er, suggestions? Then just remember this: Crack Is Bad.

Keep your thongs low, your pants up, and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.


  • At 12:08 AM, Blogger Lauren said…

    Okay, I'm with you on the corn and I'm TOTALLY with you on the bananas. But thongs? I'd take comfort over seamlessness any day. With a dress or a skirt, I'll go w/ the thong but in jeans, the daily uniform, hell no.

  • At 12:32 AM, Blogger Kim said…

    The only thing I just don't get is the teenagers that are now wearing their thongs high and their pants low so that the thongs will show on purpose. WTF?!

  • At 12:48 AM, Blogger Nancy said… I'm laughing so hard I'm crying! I worked with a friend a while back that as I was walking by her desk (she was sitting down and on the phone) I could see - very clearly - her red thong sticking up out of her pants. Nice! After she got off the phone, I complimented her on her choice of undergarments. She had no clue! The best part? She was getting ready to go into a meeting with some clients. Oops!

  • At 1:21 AM, Blogger FaerieLady said…

    Absolutely, positively hilarious-but-true! --Kae

  • At 7:00 AM, Blogger maryse said…

    ok you've just ruined the 'ass" as sexy for me. j's got a great ass but by calling it the place you poop, that's all i'll think about. THANK YOU FOR RUINING MY LIFE!

    anyway, not a big fan of the thong. don't like my butt cheeks flapping in the wind like that. and i hate it when women wear a thong that's too tight and you can still see it. i'd rather see a granny panty than some too tight butt floss. however, i assure you that i wear thick pants.

  • At 7:31 AM, Blogger Lauren said…

    You are crazy :P Yep, I agreed with you on nearly everything else, but I don't know about the thongs... then again, I have never tried one... so "don't knock it till you try it" may be relevant here. So, maybe on your good authority, I need to purchase one... can I say "Elisa made me do it?" when DH looks at me and tries to figure out where his Lolly went? :)

  • At 8:54 AM, Blogger um said…

    elisa, thongs are BUTT FLOSS.

    does this mean that if i make you a mix cd, i should put on cicqo's thong song? oh, elisa.

    anyway, b/c i love ya, here are two patterns for you:


    the one from knitty is in case mike shares your passion for butt floss :p the family that flosses together . . .

  • At 9:02 AM, Blogger melanie said…

    This post just made my day. Absolutely hysterical!

    I have a couple of additions:

    1) Even if wearing a thong, one must check not only to see if it is visible in any way, but especially check to see if the tag is sticking out. There is nothing that ruins the sexiness of a thong (visible or otherwise) than a big white tag hanging askew out the top.

    2) Some thongs are more comfortable than others. I'm not a fan of the string - it can be abrasive. I am a fan of that stretchy super thin fabric. Know your fabrics.

  • At 10:21 AM, Blogger Violet said…

    Hehe!!! All I have to say to this is "Crack Kills"

  • At 10:59 AM, Blogger Gracie said…

    And the people say AMEN!

    You might want to also add: Make sure your thong matches the color of your pants. Wearing a black or red thong with white pants is not sexy. We don't want to know you are wearing underwear, we just assume so. We need no proof.

    Buyt, what drives me just as crazy is the wearing of a bra with a tank top, and it is made even more better when there is a contrast - red tank top and a black bra.

    Have a great Thursday!

  • At 2:13 PM, Blogger ErLeCa said…

    Holy Crap! This post made me laugh... However, I belong to the 'sexy non-thong panties' club, so I can't say I agree. Judging by your post you may wonder how panties can be sexy if they're not thongs, trust me, it's possible! I've never been a fan of the thong and believe me I've tried, the only time I stopped noticing I had a piece of fabric up my butt was when I was drunk!

  • At 3:04 PM, Blogger Freecia said…

    Freecia thinks that Elisa should also write a castigating post for people who "sag" their pants. Especially males. Dude. You have no butt. I can see your underwear. And your pants. are. falling. off. It makes me want to give them a tug to help gravity. Does it give them pleasure to show off their boxers? Whoa. Considering how low some people sag, excuse me, uhm, isn't the "package not secure in your pants"? Ewwwwwwww. Maybe I'll want to tug up in the future.

    I once knew a guy who thought thong wearing women were super-sexy, so sexy that he'd dump his non-thong girl (if he had one) to chase a thong wearing one. Though I did make him agree that if it was such an important thing to him, if the woman wanted him to wear one (either for show or to understand butt floss), he would.

    People who embrace the thong are always saying you just gotta find the right brand. Then they say Nordstroms Cosabella thong. I wouldn't know. But maybe a outspoken reader will comment on that.

  • At 3:58 PM, Blogger Jen said…

    This is a MUST read for my little sister. She is part of the generation that believes the thong and the ass crack, in all its glory, are cute hanging out in all their glory.

  • At 9:28 AM, Blogger Bookish Wendy said…

    Whoa. Weird blogger comment format., I agree with the whole ass crack, panty band showing flogic. But I do agree, it is difficult to find a nice pair of thongs. Cause when I don't wear a nice pair I'm walking around all, "Yes I have something up my ass today and you better not get in my way." So, I think you should share your brand/style preference to help in the search for an appropriate pair of strings...


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